Me smiling in sterile dispensing, wearing my work jacket and scrubs
I’ve spoken many times on this blog about the evil day job (EDJ), lamenting the amount of time and energy it eats up. But something happened this week that makes me wonder if I’ve inadvertently formed the EDJ into a career path.
When I think of my life goals, writing springs to mind. Over the past couple years that goal has been refined to writing about gaming. I’ve given little thought to where being a pharmacy tech will take me. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy some aspects of the EDJ, but I don’t ever worry about or consider making moves to further said career. But it’s happened organically without me even realizing.
The week after Labor Day week, I start a good paying position as the pharmacy tech instructor for the local technical institute. I never imagined going so far in this field. But it seems over the past 9 years I have learned a thing or two.
As with any change, I wonder how this will affect my writing time and ability to find inspiration (meaning gaming time, lol). The days I work, I have a split shift. Five hours in the morning and five hours in the evening. This leaves my afternoons free and it’s my goal to use that time for writing, especially blogging. And since I work four 10-hour days, I have every Friday off. Yep, I get a three day weekend every week. That will be the perfect time for gaming, gaming, and more gaming.
It’s strange how everything in life can fall into place with perfect precision without really trying all that much. Okay, I do work hard, but I never planned out my future. But the stars aligned and somehow everything worked out. I wasn’t even looking for a new job when the school emailed me and invited me to interview. I think this new endeavor will also provide more time for the things I’m passionate about. But I suppose I can no longer call being a pharmacy tech the evil day job. I’ve somehow parlayed it into an evil day career.
Hey, thanks for reading my quick little musing. If you’ve ever found yourself in a similar situation, I’d love to hear about it in the comments. I’m not a paid blogger. If you enjoyed my content, please consider tipping me $1 https://ko-fi.com/grownupgamergirl or cash app $cindyjacksbooks. All donations to my online content are much appreciated, but definitely not required to keep coming back to visit! Please feel free to leave your thoughts (politely😉), subscribe to my blog or hit me up on Twitter @cindyjacks.
The big five-oh. Yep. Yeeeepppp. Half a century. I took a few days off from writing to reflect on life. Not to mention, my lovin’ man spoiled me rotten all week. I’m sure I’ve gained five pounds from all the treats and special dinners, lol. And fine, yes, I was binge gaming, okay?! Geez.
Last Saturday, a skin for my XBox and controller showed up. And since I have a thing for sunflowers, I had to apply it right away.
We played Godfall the whole week and perfected our builds. The Ascended Tower of Trials will fall. Oh, yes, it will fall.
I woke last Monday, my actual birthday to Jedi Survivor already installed on my console. I’d wanted the game since it’d released. I was four years old when I saw Star Wars at the drive-in with my family. Apparently, (at least I’ve been told) I spent the next week insisting my hair be done Leia-style and parroting, “Get this walking carpet out of my way.” The Star Wars Saga is imprinted deep in my psyche. And a well-crafted sequel to Fallen Order is like falling in love again. And Survivor has the Jedi mindtrick! The Jedi mindtrick! Sorry, I had a fan girl moment. The game is a solid follow up to the first installment. And I’ve definitely got another “To All the Cals I’ve Killed Before” video. It’s a lot of complicated platforming. Cal was doomed in my hands, I know this about myself and have accepted it, lol.
Screenshot, Jedi Survivor on XBox
All in all, I had a glorious week gaming. And for my big present, my honey got me a Microsoft Go Surface 3 with a data plan so I can actually see the mobile games I play…uh…I mean so I can write more easily on the go. Yes, that’s what I meant. Write. Yeah…
I had some morose moments. Special days and holidays are still difficult without my parents. Especially on my birthday. I mean, they’re the reason for the season after all. But I’ll always miss them and part of grief is accepting that pain and remembering the joy. Like going to the drive-in in my feetie jammies to watch what will always be one of my favorite movies.
It’d be easy to look back on the last fifty years and look at all I’ve lost. And I’ve lost quite a bit in recent history. But I choose to look at the blessings I’ve gained and the love that makes every day worth living. And sharing a love of gaming with those who love me…well, to quote an old Mastercard commercial: priceless.
Thank you for reading my work! I’m not a paid blogger. If you enjoyed my content please consider tipping me $1 https://ko-fi.com/grownupgamergirl or cash app $cindyjacksbooks. All donations to my online content are much appreciated, but definitely not required to keep coming back to visit! Please feel free to leave your thoughts (politely😉), subscribe to my blog or hit me up on Twitter @cindyjacks.
When the end credits roll on most games, I’m done. Doesn’t matter if it features new game plus or alternate storylines. My border collie of a brain is itching for a new obstacle course to conquer. Thus, I usually search the Microsoft or Sony store for a new title. But once in a great while, I select the option to do it all over again. My question is: why?
What makes one title re-play worthy as opposed to the hundreds of one-playthrough stands I’ve had with so many games? I suppose that makes me a bit gaming promiscuous. Naughty me, lol. So, those precious few that earn a second go, or even a third, what mystique do they have that the basic b!tch games do not?
Expert World-building
Fallout 4, Bethesda
The first thing I do when I start a new story game is put my headphones on and lose myself in the opening cutscene. Or at least I hope to. And if I get that rush of excitement from the beginning, I then say a little prayer that the gameplay will keep me immersed in a rich, well-constructed, detailed world.
Fallout 4 executes world-building exceptionally well. Every time I play it, I feel as though I really am in a post-nuclear world, scrounging for resources, struggling to decide on the right allies (which for me is alway the Minutemen, hands down), and desperate to unravel the kidnapping of my son.
Bad a$$ combat systems
Ghost of Tsushima, Sucker Punch
Another quality I cherish in a game is a combat system that makes me feel like a bada$$. I’m not one in real life, I know this about myself. So it’s nice, when i take up the controller, to leave behind the limitations of my scrawny, banged up body. To become a warrior and to have a combat system that is challenging, but not super complicated.
I had so much fun combining samurai and ninja fighting techniques in Ghost of Tsushima. The stand-offs alone thrilled me, but add in all the combos and dodges and acrobatics, the combat left me breathless. Not to mention the cinematic beauty of the world. But even without the vibrant colors and drifting dust sparkles, I would have played it over and over for the fighting alone.
Real choices
Dark Pictures Anthology, Supermassive Games
Combat and open worlds aside, I also love games with a more telltale vibe. Making choices that really matter compels me to complete multiple playthroughs. Especially when character lives are on the line.
I’ve played all four of The Dark Pictures Anthology games. And each one I’ve played at least twice. Little Hope and The Man from Medan, I played more than that just trying to keep everyone alive. Knowing that one misstep can have disastrous consequences adds delicious tension to a title.
Challenge and mayhem
Shadow Warrior 3, Flying Wild Hog
A lot of shmups these days are easy to walk through. It’s rare for me to die in a shoot out. I’m not bragging about my gaming skills. Trust me, in platformers and games with hand-to-hand combat, odds are my character will meet with some mishaps. But especially in a shooter, I want to be challenged. I want it to be hard to clear the level, but not so difficult I want to throw my controller and cry in the corner.
Much to my delight, in Shadow Warrior 3, I had to play. Actually concentrate on what I was doing. Manage my ammo, choose the right weapon for the right enemy. And there were so many enemies. Though the writing was clever and the story kinda cute, it was the onslaught of enemies of ever increasing difficulty that kept me engaged and made me want to ride the roller coaster again.
Incredible weapons, armor, and loot
Assassin’s Creed: Odyssey, Ubisoft
It’s a fact that humans respond best to positive incentives. And I’m a sucker for swag. I mean who doesn’t like bling? Some games outshine the rest when it comes to earning loot. Armor, weapons, special abilities, perks for complete sets. Gimme, gimme, gimme. Gimme more!
Out of all the games I’ve played in the last few years, AC Odyssey springs to mind when I think of loot. Defeating enemies for super cool armor sets and killing mercenaries for some freaking OP weapons…man, you had me at legendary loot. I also gotta add that the combat system in Odyssey kicks a$$. Why Ubisoft dumbed it down in Valhalla, I’ll never know. But that’s a blog post for another day.
A grand story
Red Dead Redemption 2, Rockstar Games
The main reason I play story games is, well, for the story. A lot of titles skimp on this critical factor. And as a writer, I appreciate masters of the craft. When a game can make me cry or laugh out loud, the writers have done their job. At that point, a second and third playthrough is like rereading a favorite novel.
Hands down, Red Dead Redemption 2 has one of best told, best written plot lines of any game I’ve ever played. I laughed at the drunken Leeeennnnnyyy mission. I cried quite a few times. No spoilers but I bawled at the end. Bawled like a freaking baby. Especially the horse. My beautiful Artemis 😭. I’m sorry. That was a minor spoiler. But yeah, beautifully written game.
Gaming perfection
The Witcher 3: The Wild Hunt, CD Projekt Red
Once in a great while, a game comes along that has all of the aforementioned elements and more. Playing that kind of masterpiece is like falling in love. It’s better than a chocolate fudge sundae with whipped cream and sprinkles. Maybe even better than sex. Okay, not that good, but playing a game like that is pretty freaking awesome.
When I think of perfection, I think of TheWitcher 3: The Wild Hunt. The story is amazing, even the side quests you stumble on weave into the main plot line. Your choices genuinely influence the ending. The combat takes a bit of getting used to, but once you get the hang of the oils, the potions, the spells, and the skill tree you can open a can of whoop a$$ on anything. Even the mini-game, Gwent, is well-crafted. The armor and weapons are well worth collecting and upgrading. CD Projeckt Red created a masterpiece which explains why I’ve played it several times.
What’s your propensity for replaying titles? Are you a completionist, willing to play a game over and over until you have every achievement or trophy? Do you revisit most games? Or are you a promiscuous gamer like me?
Thank you for reading my work! I’m not a paid blogger. If you enjoyed my content please consider tipping me $1 https://ko-fi.com/grownupgamergirl or cash app $cindyjacksbooks. All donations to my online content are much appreciated, but definitely not required to keep coming back to visit! Please feel free to leave your thoughts (politely😉), subscribe to my blog or hit me up on Twitter @cindyjacks.
Phoenix valorplate, Godfall. Image taken in game from Xbox
Yesterday was one of those days. My car broke down at lunchtime. Stupid alternator, stupid piece of crap car. And though I was annoyed that my car torpedoed my work day, at least I didn’t have to go back to work. So once AAA towed my car home and I told my honey what had malfunctioned and we made a plan to repair, it dawned on me that I’d have the rest of the afternoon to game. Woo hoo! 🥳
As I sat down to play Blue Light, a sweet little platforming/puzzle game with a Zelda-esque hero, I got a text from my boss telling me a very large batch of meds I’d compounded might have had an issue. And though this issue was through no fault of my own, it would need to be thrown out and remade. It’s akin to grinding for 8 hours and then the game crashes and it turns out none of what you achieved had saved.
At this point, my mood might have been salvageable. But the hits just kept coming. As an attempt to brighten my sour disposition, I bought a game I’d been wanting for a while. A little retail therapy as it were. I was sure Stray Blade was gonna be so much fun. But it wasn’t. The combat is slow and clunky and it’s hard to time defensive actions. I’m sure I could muddle through and figure it out, but yesterday was not the day for frustrating combat. I just wanted to hack an enemy head off in glorious fashion. Was that too much to ask?!
Then the dog had an accident on the rug (he’s old, it happens, but it’s never pleasant). I also discovered we were out of dog food and of course I have no vehicle to go get some. And the little inconveniences just kept piling up.
It was death by a thousand cuts. My mood spiraled down and down until I reached that space where I wanted to crawl out of my skin. Or grab my keys and drive until I ran out of gas…oh wait. Yeah, that’s not gonna work.
By the time Charles got home I was a seething ball of hatred for the world. Not even goofing around on Blue Light was helping. I’d gotten stuck in an area I couldn’t figure out how to get out of.
After giving me a hug and kiss–well, lots of hugs and kisses because he could see the black aura emanating from me–he suggested we jump on Godfall together and tackle the Ascended Tower of Trials. At first I thought this a terrible idea. We’d never been able to beat all 30 levels before, today would most likely not be that day.
But then he reminded me, we were playing to spend time together. Who cares if we beat it this time? And besides there’d be lots of enemies to dispatch with an abundance of malice. I do enjoy the combat system in Godfall. I begrudgingly agreed.
Godfall, Ascended Tower of Trials on XBox
Two hours later, my prophecy proved correct. We got our a$$es handed to us on floor 20. But boy was I wrong to resist. By the end I was laughing and my mood was so much better and several times throughout the levels we’d hugged or high-fived at our moments of brilliance. See, it wasn’t just gaming I’d needed to cheer myself up, but gaming with my favorite person in the whole world. Well, to quote the old Mastercard commercials, priceless.
I’m hoping today I am the windshield and not the bug. But even if it all falls to crap again, I know exactly what to do and with whom I’m gonna do it.
Thank you for reading my work! I’m not a paid blogger. If you enjoyed my content please consider tipping me $1 https://ko-fi.com/grownupgamergirl or cash app $cindyjacksbooks. All donations to my online content are much appreciated, but definitely not required to keep coming back to visit! Please feel free to leave your thoughts (politely😉), subscribe to my blog or hit me up on Twitter @cindyjacks.
It goes without saying to define something inherently means to include some things and exclude others. My intention with this post isn’t to polarize the topic of gaming or to exclude anyone. I approach this topic with humility and a genuine curiousity to understand what it means to choose a virtual life, to choose to play as an expression of living.
Obviously to consider oneself a gamer, one must play games. That’s a given. And though it usually these days refers to playing video games, it also encompasses folks who delight in board games, deck building, and pen and paper RPGs. But for the sake of clarity, I’m talking about video game enthusiasts in this article.
Okay, so ya play video games. Is that all that’s required? I say no. Prior to asking a simple question on the app formerly known as Twitter, I might have ended the definition there. However, when I asked if people play games everyday and if they did, do they consider themselves “gamers,” there were quite a few people who do play everyday, but who were quite adamant that they did not like the label. Fair enough. No one should be forced to define themselves in a way they find erroneous.
So that reaction got me thinking, there must be more to embracing this lifestyle. Some folks also indicated age as a factor, but as I’m staring down the barrel of my 50th birthday and I consider myself a gamer–as do many of my peers of the same age group. So yeah, let’s exclude age. Like I said in the beginning, I’m thinking more of inclusion than exclusion. Plus, I think folks who believe gaming is only for the young forget or are unaware of the fact that Gen X was the first generation to wake up with gaming consoles under the Christmas tree or wrapped in shiny paper for our birthdays. Simply because we grew up doesn’t mean we abandoned something many of us love doing.
I also don’t think being a gamer is tied to any one platform either. If you include Pong and more currently my smart phone, I’ve gamed on over a dozen different machines. Probably more than that. And please no console wars or declaring PC “the only way to game” in the comments. I thank you in advance for your respect for all fellow humans 😊🙏
If it isn’t the mere act of playing and it isn’t limited to time one’s spent on the planet while gaming and it’s not about how you play, then what defines one as a gamer? I suppose all I can speak to is my own experience and the anecdotal evidence given by my friends.
I think when a self-defined gamer picks up their controller or logs into their computer or opens a game on their phone, it’s transformative. It’s that feeling of excitement and joy and passion that makes us want to embrace the label. Hell, I’ve got my first gamertag tattooed on my body. No cap. We don’t game merely to be entertained. We game to have an alternate experience, one that perhaps we couldn’t have IRL. But does the virtual nature of the experience make it any less salient? I say no.
For me, gaming is a form of self-expression, of being able to step outside the limitations of my body (of which there are many!) and the constraints of reality. Let’s put it this way: I’m not a very sporty individual. Things like playing football or skateboarding or training to be a soldier are waaaay outside my capabilities. But in game, I can taste such experiences. Is it spot on accurate as to what these experiences are like IRL? No, but it’s as close as I’m ever gonna get.
And then there’s all these awesome fantasies that don’t exist in the world as we know it. Dragons and space marines and magic and wild technology. The only limits are those imposed by our own imaginations.
I suppose it really doesn’t matter if you game everyday and reject being labeled or you play once a year, but declare yourself a gamer. To each their own. But for me, I’ve been playing since I was five years old. It’s woven into my psyche and it’s more than just a hobby, it’s big love. So if you ask if I’m gamer? Heck yeah I am! And yes, I play every day simply because I love it.
Yay! I’ve posted three days in a row. Thank you, Blaugust! Please support my fellow bloggers participating in Blaugust 2023! All wonderful folks and so many unique perspectives on life.
Blaugust 2023 logo
Thank you for reading my work! I’m not a paid blogger. If you enjoyed my content please consider tipping me $1 https://ko-fi.com/grownupgamergirl or cash app $cindyjacksbooks. All donations to my online content are much appreciated, but definitely not required to keep coming back to visit! Please feel free to leave your thoughts (politely😉), subscribe to my blog or hit me up on Twitter @cindyjacks.
I woke up with the parrot from an old Washington Post commercial playing in my head. For those from Gen Y and Gen Z who might be reading this, The Washington Post once upon a time was an old school print newspaper, though it still exists as an online news site today. But anyhoo, back in the day, there was no Indeed or LinkdIn or other such apps for finding a employment. If you wanted to change jobs, you looked in the wanted section of the newspaper. Barbaric, IKR?
So in the commercial that’s been growing louder and louder in my head squawking out the words: “I can’t take this, not another day, not another day.” Then some poor shlub shuffles through the door in the background lamenting, “I can’t take this not another day.” He’s clearly just gotten home from work and the gist of the commercial is that he says this so often he’s inadvertently taught his parrot the phrase. The commercial then goes on to plug the employment section of the Post.
What strikes me about this ad is I can wholly relate to the guy’s dilemma. And I pray he moves on to green pastures. Why? Because for the vast majority of my adult life, I’ve worked jobs I could at best tolerate, but at worst thoroughly hated. And ahhhh, that it were so easy as to flip open the newspaper or put myself out on Indeed and find that dream job doing something I love.
Out of all the activities I engage in, I can only call two of them passions. As I’ve stated before that’s writing and gaming. Only once in my life was I ever paid to write and though it was about a topic I wasn’t in love with, it was the happiest I’ve ever been in terms of career. Churning out erotic romance novels didn’t leave much time for gaming, though. And of course the cottage industry fell apart with the advent of self-publishing on Amazon. Unfortunately the fans who bought my books weren’t Cindy Jacks fans perse, but fans of my publisher, Ellora’s Cave, so when they went out of business I could never recreate the success I’d had with them. But that was okay. Great author of chick porn wasn’t really on my bucket list.
Through an unfortunate series of events, I found myself with the time and means to start this blog and game and write all day. But then a most fortunate event (falling in love with my soulmate, which I highly recommend) pushed this endeavor to the back burner. Funny how life works that way: gives with one hand, takes with the other.
So I fell back into what’s comfortable and an easy source of income, lying to myself that I would continue to game and write just as much. We all know how that went. Too mentally exhausted from forcing myself to focus at work, I rarely have the energy to write. Though I still game quite a lot. Perhaps a little escapism if I’m keeping this 100.
The cycle feeds itself over and over. And every FPS fan knows the definition of insanity. Let’s all say it together, hearing the brilliant voice acting of Michael Mando in our heads: The definition of insanity is repeating the same action over and over, expecting a different result. It’s time to stop the insanity.
Vaas, antagonist from Far Cry 3
But how to make at least a little income from gaming and writing? Being from the Atari generation, I can say, at this particular moment in history, there are the most opportunities to earn money gaming. And with sites like ko-fi and Patreon, getting paid for creating on your own terms is easier too.
I find inspiration all over the place these days. Other bloggers. Twitch streamers. E-sports competitors. Modders. YouTubers. We have the tools in our hands to create magnificent things. This does require, however, that we use them. I’m working on internalizing that, lol.
It’s often said one should find something one loves to do and do that as a career. Sage advice because I can tell you a lifetime of doing something just okay eats at the soul. I find myself muttering, “I can’t take this, not another day.” So it’s time to stop the insanity and do things differently.
Thank you for reading my work! I’m not a paid blogger…yet! Your support can help me reach that goal. Please feel free to leave your thoughts, subscribe to my blog or hit me up on Twitter @cindyjacks. If you’d like to buy me a coffee or leave a tip you can do so at ko-fi https://ko-fi.com/grownupgamergirl or cash app $cindyjacksbooks. All donations to my online content are much appreciated, but definitely not required to keep coming back to visit! Game on, my friends!
Hey, y’all. I’m excited to take part in Blaugust 2023. Though Im a little late to the party, better late than never, right? I heard about it from a post by WC Robinson (awesome blogger and very kind person!). This awesome endeavor was pioneered by Tales of the Aggronaut whose wonderful blog I’m getting to know. I also joined the community on Mastodon supporting Blaugust: gamepad.club. I’m so excited to support my fellow blog-enthusiasts and commit to celebrating my own writing.
The basic premise of Blaugust is to keep the art of blogging alive. It encourages writers to commit to posting as much as they can throughout the month. I’ve written about it before, but I can’t pay it forward enough, the outpouring of kindness and positivity I’ve encountered in the gaming social media groups is a true blessing.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m aware of the toxicity that exists in the gaming community. Yes, I’ve encountered some mean folks from time to time. Yes, I’ve had the occasional console warrior defined their choice adamantly. And yes, sometimes I’m targeted simply because I’m a female gamer. But those negative experiences are few and far between. The vast majority of gamers are welcoming and supportive. Starting this blog has changed my life for the better in so many ways.
But here’s the silly self-sabotaging thing I do (and I know other bloggers will understand), when life gets tough, I stop blogging. And usually that’s the time I need to write the most. It’s easy to procrastinate because I say I don’t have enough time (I totally do), or worry about getting the perfect video and photo for a post, or tell myself what I’ve written isn’t long enough to post. And in all that, I lose my original purpose of creating this blog to begin with: to heal my psyche and share my passion for gaming. I’m so very grateful for this event. It proves once again the community of gamers has saved me from myself more than once.
If you’d like to find out more about Blaugust the whole article can be found here: https://aggronaut.com/2023/07/12/blaugust-2023-is-coming/ There’s all sorts of achievements you can earn to inspire you and about 100 awesome folks participating. Even if you’re late signing up (like I was), I can promise there’s a lot of support and encouragement waiting for you nonetheless. And that’s what life is all about, isn’t it?
Dr. Andrew Huberman and Dr. Robert Malenka courtesy of The Huberman Podcast via YouTube
Life’s still been kinda blah lately. That’s not to say I don’t have a lot of blessings. I absolutely do. I have the best life partner I could ever wish for. My son is making good progress in his young adult life. My stepson is the joyous youngster he always is. My dogs greet me every day as though I’m a soldier returning victorious from battle. And I even got a raise at work. As I healed from surgery and my hormones leveled out, I have more energy. Hell, just the fact that I will never have a period ever again is cause enough to rejoice. And yet…
Yes, I know this is a blog about gaming, but it’s also a blog about being a middle aged female gamer of the Atari generation so I promise, it’ll all come together in the end. Aside from being a gamer girl, I’m also a huge science geek, which Google knows. About a week ago, a recommended podcast/YouTube video popped into my feed. Oddly enough, I’d never listened to a podcast before. The topic was dopamine and motivation and since I’ve felt wholly unmotivated lately, well, why not?
The Huberman Lab Podcast with Dr. Andrew Huberman hosting Dr. Robert Malenka blew my mind. If you aren’t listening to Dr. Huberman, you should be. He and his guests take complex scientific and social processes and boil them down so that they are accessible, engaging and actionable for the lay person. And though I have nothing but glowing things to say about Dr. Huberman and the litany of downright cool people he has on the show, again, I realize this is a blog about gaming and my personal journey through video games. I promise…I’m getting to the point.
This spot-on Google recommendation (yay, algorithms!) led me down this rabbithole of learning and introspection that spit me out, thinking about my own habits and compulsions. Of course video games is going to be at the top of that list. Last week, my son calculated how much playtime I get in a week. It’s roughly 40 hours so I can say with no hyperbole, I work my XBox like it’s my job. But is this healthy?
I could make the argument that since I blog about gaming I need to spend vast quantities of time engaging in the activity from which I draw inspiration. But that’s really putting the cart before the horse. I love gaming and therefore I choose to write about it. And let’s be honest, I’ve neglected this blog for months at a time while my controller never gathered a speck of dust.
So back to my original question is playing video games as much as I and much of my friends and family do healthy? The jury is still out as to whether gaming truly enhances cognition and memory, though there is data that, at the very least, it keeps my hand-eye coordination sharp. There’s also studies about heightened calorie burning while gaming. All good things. But having learned so much about neuroscience in the last week and a half, I want to know what effect gaming has on my neurons and neurotransmitters and receptors.
The dark side of gaming, of course, is addiction. Given what I now know about dopamine and motivation and behavior reinforcement, I have no doubt the activity gives me pleasure and my brain seeks that pleasure. Thank you, Dr. Huberman and Dr. Malenka! But given the standard for addiction also delineated on the podcast, gaming doesn’t hold that kind of pull. I hold down a job with no issues. I don’t spend money I can’t afford on video games. I still find pleasure in other activities. And please know I’m not passing judgment on those who struggle with video game addiction. I can’t imagine the struggle they go through and I feel compassion for all those who contend with any addiction.
The best analogy I have for my relationship to gaming is more like an exercise enthusiast. It’s an activity I can do without end and which I think enhances many areas of my life. And yes, it is a physical activity. Anyone who has broken a sweat and hit their target heart rate during a boss fight can attest to that. But it’s also similar to exercise in another area. When I’m finished gaming, I feel at peace and yet energetic, like one would describe a runner’s high.
This realization that gaming doesn’t cause a peak and then crash in my dopamine (again this is just my personal experience) got me reflecting on dopamine and serotonin and oxytocin, I wanted to learn more. So I listened to a couple more podcasts that relate to meditation. While I’ve dipped a toe in practices that enhance focus and I’ve been doing yoga for twenty years, being present in the moment isn’t one of my strengths. Let’s put it this way: if those who do not feel the call to write think they have constant narration going on in their heads, imagine what it’s like when your brain wants nothing more than to tell stories, to have this intimate relationship with words. It’s literally non-stop. I find inspiration in everything. But that also means my mind is almost never focused on the task at hand.
There are only three activities I engage in where I feel fully present and one is not for polite company so I won’t mention it, lol. The two I can mention are writing and gaming. When writing, I can submit to the narrator who’s been dying to make her voice heard all freaking day. It’s a release. A catharsis. And in the moments when the words flow, the narrator is in control and the actor is little more than her secretary. I don’t even note physical sensations when I’m writing. For example it’s hot as h-e-double hockey sticks outside right now, but I didn’t notice till I paused writing to clock back into work.
The only other time I feel fully immersed in the moment is when I’m gaming. In that situation, I can fully realize the narrator and actor are one. Let’s take an ARPG for example. My brain processes the story and the actions needed to accomplish the quest. I’ve memorized the controller layout and the specific button combinations to execute the moves required in battle. My eyes identify and categorize the enemies so that my mind can communicate to my fingers what needs to be done. I experience the thrill and emotion of the character I’m playing. My whole attention is focused on what’s going on. My mind never wanders while I’m gaming. And it’s not like reading or watching a movie. It’s a physical experience as well as a vicarious one. And yes, when the action gets harried, my body responds as if I’m actually in a fight. I even experience the desperation to survive and caution inherent in doing so one does in real life. I’m constantly vigilant and problem solving. There’s also this sense of freedom. I love the saying: many people think gamers have no life, when in reality we choose to live many lives. It’s an amazing phenomenon and I want to understand this mystery.
Alas, there isn’t a lot of information from a scientific standpoint. I turned to Google for more answers and sadly came up with a paper on PubMed that came to the conclusion that the neuroscience of playing video games is poorly studied and very much under-studied (hint, hint, Dr. Huberman 😆). The question remains: is gaming healthy? At this point, I’m not sure I care. Even if it weren’t, I’d love it just the same.
Hey! You read my whole article 🥰 I appreciate you! I’m not a paid blogger…yet! Your support can help me reach that goal. Please feel free to leave your thoughts, subscribe to my blog or hit me up on Twitter @cindyjacks. If you’d like to buy me a coffee or leave a tip you can do so at ko-fi https://ko-fi.com/grownupgamergirl or cash app $cindyjacksbooks. All donations to my online content are much appreciated, but definitely not required to keep coming back to visit! Game on, my friends!
As a general rule, I wouldn’t consider myself competitive. Especially when it comes to gaming. Overall, I’m a barely average gamer. Let’s put it this way: ain’t no sponsors ever gonna knock on my door. I will never win a tournament. On any game. Everrrr. I know this about myself and I’ve accepted it.
PvP interests me not at all. Being trounced by a squeaker talking all sorts of sh!t about my dead mother really isn’t my idea of fun. And let’s face it, at my age, the reflexes aren’t what they used to be. Nor is my eyesight. And I’m constantly fighting carpal tunnel. And then there’s that whole introvert thing that makes playing with random people excruciating.
That being said, when I co-op with my honey boo, for some reason, the competitor in me rears her ugly head. I hate it when he gets more kills or points or better loot than I do. Okay, hate is a strong word. But when he’s trouncing my kill count (even through we’re a team fighting the same enemies), I do stupid shit like rush ahead and claim the NPCs he hasn’t had time to get to yet. Cuz…you know…he’s killing everything else. Or I’ll tweak my weapon build so that it’s a monster, mowing down everything in sight.
But why? Why in the world do you compete against your own teammate, you ask? There’s a few reasons I’ve figured out. And probably a whole mess of subconscious crap I don’t even know is happening. But let’s go with what I know.
First, I’ve got a chip on my shoulder. I’ll admit it. I mean, c’mon, let’s face it, we gamer girls get a bad rap. Oh and we do it to ourselves. I’m looking at you boobie streamers.
But it’s not just those female gamers who are also members of the anti-airconditioning association (OnlyFans…get it? 🤣👊). When Charles and I met, he expected that I’d need a certain level of white-knighting. A couple of his exes would “game” with him which amounted to asking him to take care of all the fighting. Granted, women my age were raised to buy into a certain amount of female helplessness. But I guess my mama missed me with that sh!t, cuz I ain’t no damsel in distress.
Also, I don’t like to feel as though I’m not pulling my weight. We play co-op games so we can play together. To-ge-therrrrr. So if I’m just sitting back doing nothing, what is the point of co-oping? Who wants to be the dead weight on a team? No one. Well, except apparently the aforementioned ladies. No judgment…okay, some judgment, a little judgment.
And last, but certainly not least, I’m a pretty smart cookie, if I do say so myself. So if a game gives you tools to make bada$$ builds, I want to figure out the baddest-a$$-est build possible. Hey, if I ain’t got reflexes or eyesight left, I gotta use what the good Lord gave me. And that killer build racking up a higher score than my teammate gives me joy. Fine! I’m a small petty woman. I admit it, all right? Yeesh.
In the end, does it really matter who gets the most kills if you both complete the mission alive? Hell yeah it does. I mean, no…no it doesn’t. Okay, okay, I confess: I’m a kill hog. I know I am. And I won’t apologize for maybe being a little more competitive than I realize. And really, I blame the devs who include individual scores in team-based titles. If we weren’t meant to try to hog all the glory then they wouldn’t include such a feature. So there 😛
I know I can’t be the only kill hog out there. I’d love to hear from my fellow gamers: do you get competitive with your teammates? If so, what’s your reason? No judgment! I promise.
Hey! You read my whole article 🥰 I’m not a paid blogger…yet! Your support can help me reach that goal. Please feel free to leave your thoughts, subscribe to my blog or hit me up on Twitter @cindyjacks. If you’d like to buy me a coffee or leave a tip you can do so at ko-fi https://ko-fi.com/grownupgamergirl or cash app $cindyjacksbooks. All donations to my online content are much appreciated, but definitely not required to keep coming back to visit! Game on, my friends!
Game reviews are a useful tool, and I’ll admit, I do read them before I purchase or play a game I’ve never heard of. That being said, I also apply critical thinking when reading reviews. I mean, c’mon, we’ve all seen a one star titled something like “Not Enough Tits”.
But when a game garners one star after one star after one star and the reasons stated seem valid enough, it does give me pause. It doesn’t necessarily discourge me completely, but if the game is full price, yeah…I might wait till it’s on sale. All that being said (I promise this rambling has a point), if the title with trash reviews is free with GamePass, I’ll usually give it a shot, reviews be damned. And sometimes I’m pleasantly surprised. Such was the case with Wolfenstein: Youngblood. See! Told ya I had a point. Thanks for sticking with me 🙂
Here’s some screenshots of the reviews for Youngblood.
Yikes! Not gonna lie, if I’d been a dev for this game I’d have considered seppuku. I didn’t capture the reviews based on bugs or microtransactions. Unfortunately that’s just gaming these days. But the reviews based on actual content, the consensus is that the protagonists are annoying, the bosses are bullet sponges, and the whole game ruins the franchise. But here’s the thing. I didn’t find any of that to be true. Well, not completely true anyway.
First let’s look at the other Wolfenstein games from the reboot starting 2014. In The New Order, The Old Blood and The New Colossus, you play as BJ Blaskowicz, the baddest bada$$ who ever engaged in bada$$ery. All three games are closed world, single player, and they all limit the skills and weapons the player can acquire. And they all are a hell of a lot violent mayhem-y fun. But they are far from perfect and occasionally the storylines veer off into absurdity.
Let’s take the most nebulous allegation first: Youngblood ruined the Wolfenstein franchise. That’s a bold assertion. Yes, it did stray from the formula of the other three games, but I found a lot of the changes added to the game. For instance, you’ve got a lot more control over the skill tree. Hell, the fact that you level up and earn points to spend to improve your character is big plus in Youngblood. You can also upgrade your weapons with money you collect. Not to mention, the game is semi-open world with side quests and other events to explore instead of a closed storyline. And the fast travel makes exploration super easy.
As for the bosses being bulletsponges…I mean c’mon. Name a video game where the boss isn’t tankier than f%&k? It’s true some of the bosses in the other Wolfenstein games do have a bit a puzzle element to them. You have to figure out how to weaken them before you can blast away at their now exposed bullet-sponginess. And there are some unique qualities to each boss in Youngblood. To me the big struggle in the boss battles was keeping Sophia alive while playing solo. She’s not the savviest of AIs. While I, as Jess, took cover and tried to evade the big attacks, Sophia would face-tank the whole fight and inevitably go down. WTF, Soph? Seriously, WTF?!
Speaking of Jess and Soph brings me to what I think is the central “problem” of the game. As many players stated in their reviews, the main characters are annoying. Okay, yes, I agree that their vernacular such as “tubular” and “cool, dude” does sound a bit absurd. But the fact that game takes place in 1981 makes their affected speech totally appropriate. I was alive way back then and folks—especially teenage girls—did speak that way. I’m guilty of it myself. Gross, I know. Like, gag me with a spoon (go ahead, Google that phrase. I’ll wait)
Not to get on my feminist high horse (I promise, I’m not) but I think what all the horrid reviews boil down to is the fact that the game’s fan base is predominantly male. Cis gender hetero males. I mean, c’mon, the other games had a difficulty setting called “Daddy, can I play?” And there’s nothing wrong with that. There are plenty of games that target a specific group of the population. And I think it’s okay that said fan base didn’t like the devs forcing them to play as teenage girls.
I’m definitely not dinging the franchise for offering female protagonists. But the twins are fraternal so why not make one male and one female like Assassin’s Creed Syndicate? I would have loved to see BJ, Jr. in action. The devs missed an opportunity to appeal to a wider audience while still taking care of the traditional male gamers who supported the franchise. I’m all for freedom of choice so let’s give gamers a real option here instead of erroring so far in the opposite direction.
I applaud the emergence of female main characters who aren’t dressed like harlots and who look like they workout and could actually whoop some a$$. But should everyone be forced to play as those characters? I don’t believe so. That’s no better than us OG gamer girls having only male characters to play. For a reeeeeally long time. There’s a time and a place to make big changes, but I don’t think a super macho franchise such Wolfenstein is the platform to start changing hearts and minds. But I’d like to hear from my readers on this. Do you like playing as the opposite gender or would you prefer more choice in the games you play?
Thank you so much for stopping by (and reading my article to this point 🥰) I’m not a paid blogger…yet! Your support can help me reach that goal. Please feel free to leave your thoughts, subscribe to my blog or hit me up on Twitter @cindyjacks. If you’d like to buy me a coffee or leave a tip you can do so at ko-fi https://ko-fi.com/grownupgamergirl or cash app $cindyjacksbooks. All donations to my online content are much appreciated, but definitely not required to keep coming back to visit! Game on, my friends!
When a Gamer Girl Grows up 